Becoming

Every time I jump on here to write something, it has in the text box “share your story here”.  I’ve been struggling the last week in being able to put my story into words. Not my life story, not some grand artistic gesture of authorship, because I promise you, you will never receive such a thing from me. But I truly believe that week after week, we all have a story bubbling up inside of us to be shared. And sometimes words on a page (or phone in my case) is the only way to share the story.

So, here we go..

I will not hide my faith from anyone; at least I hope to never hide it. I also will never push or force it on anyone, the same way I hope people wouldn’t push their beliefs on me. And so to live in the middle ground of not hiding, nor pushing, I will confidently and comfortably share about my faith (hopefully) in every post I write.                                        This one is no exception.

I feel like God has me in a very unique place in my life. While some people feel that the universe, or karma, or whatever else decides and dictates where our lives lead, I choose to believe that God directs my life. But what I don’t believe is that God is some puppet master just making decisions and bossing me around! So, if you can track on this middle ground that I’m walking upon, I’ll jump back to this “unique place” I’m at in life.

At the beginning of February, I decided it was time to tackle a new area of my life, and that was my personal health. I decided that I needed to be building a healthy life for myself in eating properly and living an active lifestyle. This was a difficult change for me as I have always been so self conscious of weight, and for once in my life, rather than worrying about “getting fat” if I ate too much, I set a goal for myself to gain weight while keeping active, to finally get to a healthy place in my life. Around the same time I started this change (with the help of someone trained in health and nutrition) it was decided that my current position at work was demanding lots from me, in the form of time and emotional investment, which had me finding myself emotionally and physically worn out. As you can probably guess, this also had my mentally drained and therefor not being able to give as much of myself as I would have liked, in areas I really wanted to participate in. So, on February 1st, I gave up that position and went down to relief, which meant I would only be called to work when someone couldn’t work their shift. I worked all of 2 days in the whole month of February.

In my last post, I talked about wanting to control my emotions.  Well, let me tell you the first 2 weeks of February were tough, having a visa to pay, bills, groceries to buy, and a husband that went to work day-after-day to provide, with me not contributing at all, my emotions were everywhere but under control.  I started to want nothing more than to sit on the couch, sleep, and comfort eat, which went against everything I had decided to do 2 weeks earlier with my desire to build a healthy lifestyle.  It was a tough slugging 2 weeks.

Now this is not to say that my whole 2 weeks were self loathing sadness. My anxiety would eventually get the better of me and cause me to get up, get some things accomplished and my days would have their ups and downs.  In the midst of these up and down moments, I had a choice to make, to spend time in my downs, or to spend time reading, praying, reading my bible and ultimately growing my relationship with God. In the midst of these moments, I was reminded of dreams and passions I had years ago. Dreams of working with young people and being able to take them around the world to do missions work and help people.  Albeit a small start, I started making plans to take a group of youth to Regina to work in the soup kitchen and help some people a little closer to home.  In reflection of where I was at personally, I also grew interested in pursuing my certification in health and nutrition to be able to “coach” and help those around me who might have also been struggling in an area similar to my own.

As these dreams and passions bubbled to the surface and I felt my momentum increasing, it only took a single thought to stop all of those dreams and passions dead in their tracks.

Why?

Why was I spending all of this time and effort to take these kids to Regina? When in all honesty, it takes so much planning, and I could quite easily just volunteer my own time and avoid some of the hassle, and be just as effective!

Why was I wanting to go through all the time and energy to study health and nutrition, when it’s crazy confusing, not my strong suit, and I’m already working with someone who knows all this stuff and can help me!

Why. One small question that so drastically affected what I was doing in my life. I spent more time dreaming and praying, questioning why things were going the way they were going.  Amidst all of this time, I came to one realization that re-focused everything for me.

I would rather leave my life in God’s control and take leaps of faith knowing He holds my life, than for me to take blind corners, with my hands on the wheel having God in the passenger seat.

This became the answer to my why. Ultimately, my life is about so much more than just me, and what I want. God know’s me, He knows the dreams and plans and hopes He has for my life. And if I have real faith, I will allow God to continue to direct and lead my life knowing that He’s making me into the woman He wants me to be.  I confidently believe that God has walked through all of the dark, sad, defeating, unhealthy, troubled times in my life with me (not that he made them happen to me, that was 100% my own selfish doing, He just picked up all the pieces) and has brought me to this moment, right here, right now, with these dreams and passions, because I’m going to become who I needed when I was young for the people around me.

I’m becoming a woman that decides to go for it and take advantage of each new beginning, no matter how it looks! And regardless of what makes sense in my mind, I’m here for a reason and God will handle the rest, because my whole life will be a journey of becoming who God wants me to be, to love the ones around me.

In this journey, I have to start small.  God started this dream with me, a small, young, insecure, basic, simple, small town Saskatchewan girl who was willing to dream big.        And maybe thats why I’m in Manor SK, population 312.

To start small, stay humble, and dream big.

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